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Friday 14 November 2014

The Fruitful side of depression.



There is a fruitful side to depression.
Amid the fog of despair, the crippling numbness and soullessness, the dark vortex of depression feels constant, endless. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, because there is no tunnel, only a perpetual riptide dragging you ever further from shore. You clamber to stay afloat in an ocean of dejection. No longer can you see the land, the solid ground of happiness, ambition, future. The sharks are circling, licking their lips at the life you bleed into the water, and you are tempted to let them take you.
Before you give up, before you stop struggling to keep your face above the surface, and sink into the abyss, bleeding and broken and letting the sharks devour your forsaken carcass, look up. The lifeboat is there. You may not see it at first, but keep kicking, keep your head up until you do. It will come. Don’t seek it out, don’t waste the precious little energy you need to keep afloat searching for the lifeboat. Just stay afloat, stay put and keep your eyes open, it will come to you.
When at last the lifeboat arrives, it appears not as a lifeboat, but soon you recognise it. You feel the tug as it slowly drags you back to shore. Do not toil to hold on, or you risk expending the little energy you have left and letting go before you get to shore. Simply let it take you, keep hold with a gentle grip and let it take you. And enjoy the view as you are towed back to the coastline of a contented future.

This may all sound a little too metaphorical for your liking. And if you suffer from depression, believe me, I know you’re probably reading this and thinking, it’s all well and good to say this crap, but this doesn’t do a thing to help me! I ask you to reread the last sentence… “And enjoy the view as you are towed back to the coastline of a contented future.” 
I’ve been there, I’ve been out in that ocean, and I couldn’t see a way back. I couldn’t see how the numbness, the emptiness of my soul, could ever thaw. But it did.
For me the lifeboat was a combination of moving closer to the support network of family and old friends, a little bit of yoga, and the acceptance of a death I had spent years trying to overlook.
When you find your lifeboat –and you will– the thaw will be slow. It will take time to heal from the amount of bleeding your soul has done. The reason I want you to read the last sentence over and over, many times if you need to, is because that’s where you will find the profit behind your years of suffering. Enjoy the view. Enjoy the view of the world around you, and you will find new wonder in the simple things. Enjoy the view of the people around you, and you will see you are not alone in your struggle. But most of all, enjoy the view of yourself. The blood in the water is you, parts of you that have been exposed. After years of pain and anguish, you can see inside yourself. Examine these parts of yourself, analyze them, decide which parts you want to let go and which parts you want collect on your way back to shore, and put them back in place. And they will be even better than before. You will be better than before.
This is the fruitful side of depression.
You will come back to shore knowing yourself in a way someone who has not been there can never do. So hold on, your lifeboat is coming. Hold on, and you will come back to shore and you will love yourself. This is your reward
As long as you don’t forget to enjoy the view.