ONE NIGHT

Do you recognise the best time of your life while it's upon you, or only as you look back from an arbitrary future? 

Everyone has one moment they look back on, the one moment we wish we could relive over and over. A fleeting whisper in which everything else melted away and, for that brief flash, all the hidden corners of our heart and soul were shared with one person. A secret realm witnessed only by the two, which the rest of the world would never be privy to. Like an island of the purest perfection in an ocean of chaos, we close our eyes and revisit that moment, feel the nirvana again for an instant. But alas, we must open our eyes, and it’s gone. If we could go back, if we could live in that moment forever, we would happily stay, frozen in time, drinking in the serenity until our last breath. 

Sixteen years ago I had such a moment. One night that has lived in infamy beneath the surface of my consciousness all these years. An exquisite moment in time which rises above the turbulent waves of my existence at the mere mention of his name. I dare not speak of it for fear of corrupting the memory. I dare not let it out for fear that its release into the world would taint its beauty. While it stays locked in my heart it remains mine, remains shaped to fit the space inside me where it burrowed sixteen years ago. It can’t be poisoned by disordered thoughts, or broken by tumultuous emotions. It remains a warm place I visit when the world is icy, a small beacon to light my soul when all is dark. 

So I close my eyes. I relive my moment. I feel the warmth, see the beacon, and experience nirvana. And when I open them the world is that much colder, that much darker, for having recognised the best time of my life… too late.