02/02/14
Do you ever wish you could just run away from your
life? I do more and more these days. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children
more than life. But I hate the fact that my whole life depends on what mood my
son is in. I hate that I can’t have a date without my fourteen year old
daughter throwing a complete mental because she doesn’t want me to date.
I just want to run away from it all –from the pain,
from my family, from my so-called friends, from my children. The hardest thing
in the world is raising children completely alone! I know a lot of people who
think they are doing it alone, and think they understand being a single mum. But
they have no idea. To do it alone, I mean truly
alone, means having the sole responsibility of family income; having to make
life-altering decisions without any help, advice, or input from any other
person, and feeling the anxiety that if you make a huge mistake you have to
clean up the mess alone; it means
having no one to talk to at the end of the day, when you are feeling defeated,
not even a friend; it means never having a break, no night out, no lunch with
friends, no job options, no dates; it means
being defined as one thing, one title… Mother.
If anyone thinks being a single parent is a choice,
they are dead wrong. No one would choose to spend every day in a struggle of
guilt and desperation and loneliness.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a mother. Sometimes it would
be nice to have a break. So I want to run away, from my children, from my
family, from my so-called friends, to a far away land where the possibility of
an independent me lies. A me without restraint, a me without ties binding me, a
me without judgements or preconceived notions of what I should be or do.
I want to be more than just the single mum with an
autistic kid and physical limitations. I want to be a successful mother. I want to be a career woman. I want to be in
love and be worthy of love. I want to be ME. I want to be Alana! And if I can’t
do that, I don’t want to be.
But try as I might, I can’t be these things. So I want
to run away.
you are so honest!! This is well said and I hope that putting it into words like this, though painful somehow also may be healing. I think you must be a very good mum!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Cybele. I sometimes feel so alone in my journey, it does help to write it down and share it. In sharing this I discovered there are many of us out there feeling just as I feel.
DeleteIt's a hard road and I didn't choose it, but I do my best to navigate it successfully.