My notes are the RED.
An elite female agent must discover what terrorists and a billionaire
are after before it’s too late. This is a little vague and, dare I say, cliché.
A financial crisis, growing unrest and insurgents threaten to rip apart
the System Alliance worlds.
Three individuals find themselves caught up in a web of conspiracy,
deception and violence. Again,
a bit vague because your readers won’t know what most of that means. I would
compound these first three sentences for your hook.
Something
like…
“The
Alliance Systems are under threat. Ariel is charged with the responsibility of
uncovering a terrorist plot before the growing unrest rips her world apart.”
Making
it more personal gives your readers a reason to care about what happens to your
MC.
Ariel Blake is a newly minted Siren chosen from the ranks of the most
highly skilled, courageous and toughest Guardian cops and soldiers. They are
the System Alliance Government’s most merciless operatives who are judge, jury
and executioner all in one — answering only to the Senate and the Supreme
Chancellor. A
lot of this is unnecessary information. You don’t want to weigh your readers
down with details in a summary/synopsis. Here I would try something as simple
as…
“Siren
Agents are The System Alliance’s most merciless operatives, and Ariel Blake is
the best.”
Veteran Guardian Narasumi Takayo is a cop who carries on the warrior
traditions of his clan — specifically the “art of the spear”. After the
death of his unborn son years ago, he and his wife separated. Now the
only thing he has left is his job and his partner, Tianshi.
Tianshi is a nymphomaniac-like super-smart artificial intelligence
modelled after the human brain of her creator. She yearns to be
completely human… but that desire may come with a price tag too big for anyone
to handle. You
want to introduce these two characters at the same time. It will be more
comprehensive that way. The details of who they all work for and their
back-stories are not needed at this point. Something simple about how their
involvement in the story relates to your MC (Ariel).
When a high profile robbery occurs, Ariel, Nara and Tianshi find
themselves investigating the ruthless, ultra-wealthy, politically connected
genius Gilead Hightower — a man no one can touch and a phantom terrorist
militia with a link to Ariel’s past — the Black Phoenix. They’re
both after a black ops government project so secret no one, not even the government
itself, even realized it existed… until now.
To make matters worse, Rake Ashcor, one of the deadliest assassins
within the star system is after Gilead. She has to keep him alive despite
him being a royal pain in the backside. Unfortunately for her, he’s
hatched a clever scheme that might get him the thing he wants… or play into the
hands of the Phoenix.
When Ariel, Nara and Tianshi finally learn where the black ops project
is, they rush to secure it. In a race against time, Ariel and her allies
must defeat Rake at Night Harbour before the Phoenix get all of the project’s
secrets. At the same time, she will learn a horrible truth that may shake
her loyalties to the core… or kill her.
You
have introduced too many characters for a summary/synopsis. If Ariel is your MC
you should focus on her POV. Make your readers care about her. In a summary you
don’t have time to make your readers care about all the characters involved.
The ending of this summary is very cliché. You need to establish to whom the
loyalties are that will be shaken, and how exactly her life is under threat.
Try
this… put yourself inside Ariel’s mind. Don’t think about anyone else, only her
and her personal struggle. Tell us only her part in this story. Refer to the
other characters by vague (I know I’m being contradictory here) association. I
will try to give you an example. (The details not going to be correct because I
have to make them up)…
“Investigating
the theft of an ancient artefact leads Ariel, along with her two quirky colleagues,
to the untouchable and ruthless billionaire, Gilead Hightower. Hightower
possesses the only clue in the death of Ariel’s mother. To get to the truth Ariel
must infiltrate Hightower’s corporation and put her trust in an insubordinate
pain in the backside.”
This
is far from perfect but it gives you an idea of how to give your readers enough
of the story to keep them interested, while giving them a reason to invest
their emotions in your MC.
Lastly,
your stakes are not clear enough. Something like…
“When
Hightower discovers she is about to uncover his dirty secret, Ariel has to make
the choice to run, or risk the lives of herself and her colleagues for the
truth.”
Of
course this will be different depending on the facts of your story. She might
be risking their lives for “the greater good” rather than the truth. However,
this gives your readers the reason they need to care, and intrigues them to
find out what becomes of Ariel. I hope all of this helps.
Solid State Shadow: Night Harbour is an action packed sci-fi space
opera that is inspired by Mass Effect, Star Wars, Judge Dredd, Die Hard,
Continuum and Blade Runner. Adventure, romance, revenge, mecha,
paranormal powers and intrigue fill the pages of this new saga. If you’re
looking for nearly non-stop, blood-pumping excitement you’ll want to start
here!
Night Harbour is Book One of the Solid State Sigma Series.
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